In high school, one of my favorite things to do was waste gasoline and go on long drives with no destination in mind. In college, I can no longer afford to do that, as my income is no longer disposable, and I have insane amounts of homework to do. However, sometimes I have to take those long drives, like to see my boyfriend, or go home (if I ever decide to make the 16 hour trip alone). This past weekend, I made the three hour trek to see the boyfriend (code name is Merp), and it was like pure nostalgia. I had my windows down, music blaring, and my mind thinking about nothing in particular. Well, at least that was the case on the drive up.
Something about goodbye’s kills me. I can’t say goodbye to my family, good friends, or Merp without tearing up. Yes, fabulous things called feelings sometimes get the best of me. Anyways, on the ride back to Columbia this afternoon, I was surrounded by a beautiful sky, fresh mountain air, and memories of a weekend spent with someone that I love. But for whatever reason, my mind couldn’t stop thinking about anything BUT those things. I found myself re-analyzing every choice I had ever made in my life, from small insignificant ones like what shoes I would bring home for winter break, to where I chose to go to college. My mind was absolutely restless, but I couldn’t tell you why those things were occupying my mind. I had a great weekend, winter break was long over, and I was finally growing content with USC. Somehow, I felt a rush of second guessing. I kept wondering “What if I left those shoes at school?” and “What if I went to a different school?” It really freaked me out. I’ve never had that much free time to just let my mind wander like that. I didn’t think when I did get that free time that I would let my thoughts get the best of me. It’s like my mind was out of control and there is nothing I hate more than feeling like I’m not in control. Then of course one thought leads to another and before I knew it I was creating scenarios in my head that were not only highly unlikely, but were actually impossible. And those scenarios stressed me out for the three hours they existed in my head.
I’m now back in the comfort of my dorm where I have far too many responsibilities to indulge in those kind of outlandish thoughts. Even though my mind got the best of me, I’m almost glad I had those thoughts. I’m far more grateful for all that I am blessed with right now, than I was when I woke up this morning. I’m incredibly happy, healthy, and have innumerable amounts of non tangible things to be thankful for. If the worst things that happen to me are simply things that my mind makes up for me when it has time to wander, I guess I’m not doing too bad.