For starters, sorry I’ve been so MIA with everything. Moving and working and life really just caught up to me.
Tonight while I was driving home to Columbia, SC from my boyfriends house in Charlotte, NC, I started crying. Typically it would be because I missed him already and all of that sappy stuff that you’d expect from a college student in love, and that was part of it. I love spending time with him and his family, so of course leaving would bum me out. The other reason, was something I couldn’t put my finger on. It wasn’t my standard “I miss you” cry, it was much more. Deep sobs and feeling absolutely powerless to the tears that I attempted to well up in my eyes so they wouldn’t run down my face and become real. The dams that were my eyes eventually broke and the river of tears flowed the entire ride home, through the drive-thru lane at Cookout, into my apartment, and even continuing now while I watch Sweet Home Alabama and try to come up with this other reason for tears.
And I finally did. I am not happy. Let me rephrase that; I am happy, but with very few things. I am beyond content with my love life & my relationship with my family. But honestly, thats about it. I have tried absolutely everything to fix this sadness, that has existed since I moved to Columbia last August. I tried to brush it off, naturally, at first, and blamed it on the transition from a small town to a huge university. And that worked, but only for so long. Shortly after first semester, my now boyfriend and I made it official, and happiness points went in my way. But there was still that lurking depression. So, I joined a sorority. It wasn’t enough. So, when I could find a ride (which was VERY rarely), I would go up to my boyfriend’s school about three hours away, just to get out of Columbia. While I was there, I was just in the best mood. Maybe it was because I was with my boyfriend, or because I was in a place that didnt revolve around school, or because I was not in Columbia, or any other of the million possibilities. I still think it’s because his college town reminds me of my hometown in Massachusetts. Who knows. But then, as Sunday would roll around, I would have to go back to Columbia, and back to some sort of unknown sorrow.
So FINALLY, in December, I got to go home for winter break. Keep in mind, unlike most of my college friends, I had not went home the entire first semester. I spent fall break at my boyfriend’s college and Thanksgiving with my boyfriend’s family. Plane tickets are not cheap my friends, and my tuition is already one fun extra cost for my amazing parents to be picking up the tab for. So being home that month, I was happy. I was back at work, back with my family and friends that I had spent my whole first 18 years of my life with, and I even got to show my boyfriend a little bit of whats above the Mason-Dixon line. Then, mid-January rolled around, and it was back to Columbia with a new set of stressful classes, including one that I had to retake. For everyone’s future reference: LOGIC IS NOT AN EASY COURSE I DO NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU. It may not sound like much, but that extra class really weighed down on me and caused a lot more stress than I needed. For the logic class I had to retake, I needed to pass with a C or better, and obviously I didn’t get that the first time, so I was stressed about that. Then I had to pass a math class with a C or better, and anyone who knows me at all knows that math is not my strong suit, so there was also that stress. Maintaining a certain GPA to keep my scholarship was another, all while having to keep playing my role in my sorority, and being a good daughter, girlfriend, roommate, and friend. My family came to visit in February, and that was much needed. They brought down my car, which was a blessing, as I then had free reign to come and go as I pleased for the rest of the semester. So I did. I took every chance I got to leave. Someone was going home for the weekend? Bring me with you. My boyfriend misses me? Oh you bet I’ll come up. But, being jobless, buying gas wasn’t always easy. So I sold clothes and old prom dresses on eBay, painted coolers, and got creative. But of course, I am a girl, so my means were bound to be limited if I saw a killer sale online. Which leads me to my next coping mechanism. I tried to get happy bu buying things. That is quite possibly the stupidest coping mechanism to use. Half the time, the things I bought weren’t even things I needed. I just craved that immediate gratification of having something new and sometimes shiny to gawk at for a while. Random sprees at Vineyard Vines or American Eagle or even Tiffany’s. Buying my infinity ring brought tears of happiness to my eyes. I felt like I finally had it all…. for the first few days at least. I’m not saying that I live a terrible, deprived life. I actually live a great life, and I am incredibly thankful for it. I have a wonderful family up in Massachusetts that loves and supports me unconditionally. I have an amazing boyfriend who I can always count on, no matter what. I have his family, that loves and supports me as well. I have my REAL friends from home, who text me to check in on me, or text me when songs we used to sing come on the radio, or if they’re drinking our favorite wine, or if they took a drive to the Brookfield Cumberland Farms for a slushie run. None of the things I just listed are a problem. In fact, those things I just listed are the things keeping me sane.
My problems, trials and tribulations, are the future, school, my general direction of life, my safety, the choices I may or may not make, and all sorts of little things that happen throughout my day. I mean really, let’s face it. I’m miserable. I’m in a new city, in an apartment by myself, all my friends are at home for the summer or back in Massachusetts, my family is 15 hours away, I have no job, I can’t see my boyfriend whenever, I’m lonely, and I think it all boils down to, I’m growing up. Whether I like it or not, I am getting older, and things are changing. And everyone says that you can either roll with change or make your own, and typically I would make my own, but at this point it’s too late for that. Sooner or later, you have to let life happen. I’m just all out of ideas of how to stay happy. I’m not asking to be completely happy, but my only sources of happiness shouldn’t be my family, boyfriend, and friends. So if you have an idea please dear god help me because I’m at a loss for thoughts.
I kept blaming it on hating Columbia for the longest time. I was convinced I wanted to transfer to my dream school, Chapel Hill, or basically any school similar, just not USC. But I knew I didn’t hate it here. I love USC. I love the school, the football, the people I’ve met, and the memories I’ll continue making. At least I think I do for now. I’ll never know what would have been if I had just went to UMASS Amherst and made it easy on myself. I’ll never know what would have happened if I actualy DID transfer. Or if I had changed majors when things got hard. Or if I had completely screwed up my future. I think as I grow up, the stakes get higher. I just hope I can rise to the occasion and not let this pit of emptiness take me over.
I realize this post was incredibly wordy and long and maybe even a little complicated. Bottom line, I’m only about 35% happy with my life. I’m shooting for liiiiiike 85%. I’ve tried innumerable ways to get there, and they just aren’t working. But, everyone says the first step is admitting it. I realize thats usually for drug treatment programs, but I finally figured out, and admitted to the world wide web that I know I could be happier. And dammit I know I deserve to be happier.