Sometimes, life surprises the hell out of you. And it scares you. And it turns your perspective around, and changes everything all in a short two word sentence.
Yesterday, I heard the words “I’m done” come out of my boyfriends mouth. I was blind-sided by what had happened much like Elle Woods was when Warner Huntington the Third broke up with her. Though this is not a situation to make light of, I couldn’t help but use that comparison because I’m watching the movie right now. I was in a state of pure shock; I couldn’t form words, I couldn’t muster out a tear, and I couldn’t understand. We both agreed that we never saw this coming, However, we let small things pile up and never actually dealt with them properly. I guess that’s a downfall of a long distance relationship. I refuse to have serious conversations like that over the phone, or even on skype. I need to read facial expressions and the other person can’t have the option to hang up on me if my sass gets a little out of control. We deliberated for over an hour, of course me convinced things could change, and him convinced of the opposite.
He then offered to help me pack my bags, after giving me a minute to do whatever I needed to. And for that 15 minutes, I cried. I bawled like a big baby, clutching a pillow, and wondering if I could fast forward through this nightmare and wake up and have everything back to normal. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that. I went to the bathroom to wipe the mascara off my cheeks and splash some cool water underneath my eyes. I returned to the room, completely lost my shit again and started crying some more. It was one of those times where I knew I couldn’t just talk my way out of something, or beg for it to go my way, which totally sucked.
But, after I calmed down from my second round of sadness, my boyfriend (love you, mean it), decided on giving it a chance to change. Keep in mind, this all happened in about two hours, so in those two hours I learned more than I have so far in college.
Things I Learned That Day:
1. Do not ever assume that you are invincible to your own actions.
Honestly, I never saw us having that conversation. I never imagined hearing him say that he was done. I (for whatever stupid reason) thought we would go on as were were, happy for years to come. But both of us had done things that yielded tension, with little repricussions at the time. It always catches up with you. We allllllllll know that there’s cause and effect, but sometimes we choose to ignore the consequence when acting impulsively and foolishly. Humans crave that immediate gratification; we’re all guilty of it. But just know that sometimes the immediate gratification will result in gradual reprecussions.
2. Forgive and make sure they know it.
Holding past mistakes over each other’s heads was a big mistake, on both of our accounts. Things that happened over 5 months ago bear no significance now. They were the little things, that made us annoyed, not exactly deal breakers, but they always say “its the little things”. Now, even though I knew I had forgave him for what had happened in the past, I never actually verbalized it. So here he is, for months, thinking I hadn’t forgave him. I mean hello that clearly sucks. I had just assumed he knew, but he didn’t and I think that weighed heavily on him.
Initially, when all I heard was “I’m done”, that was all I wanted to hear. But, as he gave me examples and reasons and told me exactly what was going on, I saw that (as much as I hate admitting it) he was right. We had problems. And we didn’t do much to fix them, we just swept them under the rug and tried to ignore them. Sure, we would casually discuss it, but the distance (as usual) poses a certain challenge as far as this all goes. If we had ignored these things any longer, maybe it would have been a lot worse. But my god, listen. Listen with an open mind, and an open heart.
4. These conversations can be a necessary evil.
It was a huge wake up call. I knew I would never forgive myself if I lost the love of my life to something that I could control. I think sometimes, us humans get a little out of control with everything. Some people eat too much, some people crack rude jokes, or laugh at inappropriate times. We got out of control with our emotions. But, this wake up call made both of us realize “hey this is what were doing wrong and this is how we need to fix it”. I guess in the end, such a huge threat that would change so much in my life gave me a kick in the ass to be the best girlfriend I can be. Which sounds super corny.. but whatever. Everyone should strive for greatness. Anything worth doing, is worth doing well. Sometimes we just need a little reminder, no matter how hard the reminder is to hear.
5. Love while you can, as best as you can, as much as you can.
One thing is for sure; I love this guy with all my heart. But if what happened the other day had really ended it all, I would want to walk away knowing that I gave it the most and best love that I could. I mean let’s be honest, I wouldn’t want to walk away period. But if I had to, I would want it to be under those circumstances. This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships, tell everyone that you love that you love them whenever you can. On the phone with mom after an argument? Remind her. Awkward disagreements with super-conservative grandparents? Love and respect.
“The reward of a thing well done is to have done it”-Ralph Waldo Emerson
And if you can love someone, and love them to the best of your abilities, the love is the reward.
This time it’s a reward that I want to keep my whole life through.
After hashing everything out, and discussing what we were dealing with, I feel much better about everything. I stil have that pit in my stomach, the pit that will act as motivation to be better than my previous best, follow the rules, and make this little challenge my bitch. The only way out is through. If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just do it. All those cliches, all that jazz. It’s time for a change.
By the way, don’t worry guys, I asked Nathan’s permission before posting publicly about this weekends events. What kind of girlfriend do you think I am?!