So, after what happened on Friday, I’ve been doing great. I haven’t cried since Saturday, and I’m just making some changing in my life that I’m proud of. Everything is great, until the little things take hold.
First off, let me say that I hate being a girl. The emotional rollercoaster that we go through is absolutely BS. Anyway..
The little things. Here I am, this afternoon, taking a shower before the homecoming events that will take place this evening (VOTE LAINE AND THOMAS Y’ALL). Pretty standard thing to do.. right? Well I’m fixing my sassy shower head when I realized “Crap… he bought this for me”. Yeah it’s a pretty random gift for a significant other to get you, but it was totally out of the random and he wanted me to have a good shower head. So there I sat…. in my freaking shower…. crying because of my shower head. Like seriously Abby…? I guess it’s because the little things make up the big picture. When I look at the whole thing, I know I’ll be okay, but when each individual piece is presented before me, I turn into a big mushball. Taking the magnetic picture frames of us off my fridge was harder than it should have been. Leaving work last night and accidentally calling him was beyond embarrassing (I would always call him when I would walk out to my car in the dark). Naturally I hung up as soon as I noticed, but still.
Everyone keeps telling me to just have a ceremonial burning or throw out all of his stuff. Number 1: I am not that rude. Number 2: No. I’m really not counting on him making a reappearance in my life, but then again what do I know. I also didn’t see this coming, so I feel like I’ll be forever in for a surprise. And I say I’m not counting on it not because I don’t want that, but because I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, and I know it’s totally wrong for me to sit and wait, hoping for something that isn’t guaranteed. Believe me, I would love nothing more than for him and I to get to a point where we can talk, and be cordial, and not have this tension. Unfortunately that won’t be the case right now, not for a while. But that’s okay, I mean I need time to heal.
Maybe I’m wrong in saying this, but even after seeing how much doing this hurt him, I still think I have it worse. He ended it, he had the control, and the upper hand in the situation. Yeah I get it sucks hurting the one you love, but who said it had to be like that. I mean I still hope that he’s doing better with everything, but it was his choice. This was something I had no control over and am facing the reprecussions of someone elses lack of desire to be responsible for my emotions. That’s what hurts the most. Knowing that no matter what I did at that point, it wouldn’t matter. Nothing I could say, do, no amount of tears I could cry, or how many times I said “We can fix this”, it wouldn’t make any difference at all. It’s hard, knowing that no matter how much you want something to work, sometimes you just can’t make the other person want the same thing. And I guess that’s what I’m working on accepting now.
This isn’t to say that he sucks and was a horrible boyfriend and that I’m writing all of this to trash him. That isn’t the case at all, and couldn’t be any farther from the truth. The truth is, he was a great boyfriend. He never was disrespectful towards me, treated me better than most people dream of being treated, and was always that way. As much as most girls love to have girls nights fueled by wine and pizza where they go on and on bashing their exes, I’ll take the pizza and wine, but I couldn’t slander him, even if I wanted to (which I don’t). He loved me the way every girl wants to be loved.
“I hear you’re having a tough time today. You may not know me, but I was sent to try and make your day a little better. Breakups suck, kind of dealing with that myself. Wait, scratch that. Breakups don’t suck. Boys do. Breakups are actually a very good thing. You get to test out people, figure out what it is that you like and don’t like, and then if you don’t like it, you get to move on. And then the next person you meet, you will have a better sense of what you want, and what you will or will not tolerate in a relationship. So I guess, in a way, breakups are actually kind of cool. That doesn’t make them any easier. So we cry today. We get depressed today. We wonder what we’re going to do, how we’re going to cope, who will be next. We wonder what happened and why we are dealing with this. Tomorrow, we take a step back and look at how awesome we are, and how that person missed out. I know ____________ is a cool guy, but he is young and foolish; the two usually go hand in hand. All boys are. So, we are angry and hurt today and fearless tomorrow.”
-Kind words of a total stranger