Yet another long hiatus between posts, but I’ve been busy. Cut me some slack, eh?
Since my last post, I have :
-started and finished summer classes (WITH ALL A’S YALL!)
-moved out of my old apartment and into a new one (it has a balcony)
-started actually working in Wells Fargo and not just the training
-finally visited Savannah, GA
That’s right, your beloved Blonde Girl is no longer tied down. And this time, it’s for good. Meaning, you won’t see a sweet post about forgiveness in a few weeks. You’ll just see happy ones filling you in on the new adventures in my life!
After I went on vacation galivanting around the southeast coast with my family, I returned to my apartment to finish unpacking from the move, and have my (ex) boyfriend call me to end things. I kind of saw it coming, because in the weeks prior, I found myself feeling less into it, and feelings like that are typically mutual. Don’t get me wrong, he made valiant efforts to prove his willingness to change after our awkward break back in May. But, the fact of the matter is that a tiger never loses its stripes. The trust was never going to be the same no matter how much I tried to tell myself I could get over what had happened. The thought always loomed in the back of my mind, like what if he cheated again? I couldn’t go round two with that kind of heartbreak and disappointment. But, me being the eternal optimist that I am, went back to him and found myself even more in love with him. How? I don’t know. During the time I spent away from him, I knew that something just didn’t feel right. And, when I got home from vacation, I found out that I wasn’t the only one. He just wants to be single and enjoy college, which is totally fine. It’s not like I planned on spending my first two years of college in a relationship, but I just gotta go with the flow.
Initially when he told me it was over, I was just mad. I was upset, crying, furstrated, the whole 9 yards. I wrote 8 freaking pages of how I felt, originally with the intentions of sending it to him. I have since changed my mind, as I wil explain later in the post. After pouring all my feelings into pages of my sketchbook, I fell asleep. I woke up feeling numb. Idiot girl (me) texts him saying I missed him. BAD MOVE BAD MOVE don’t ever do it. The thing is, I don’t know why I said that. I mean sure I missed having a good morning text from someone, but did I really miss him? Or just the idea of a “him” in my life? After a short, and overall stupid conversation, I realized the answer to that question.
The idea of a boyfriend is so great. Someone who loves you and will go downtown and drink with you but also enjoy Netflix binges with ice cream on the couch and just be yourself with (obviously theres more but this post isn’t really about the perks of having a boyfriend). But he is no longer the guy that I had fell in love with two years ago and was so excited to call “mine”. A lot changes in college, and you can’t really plan on what the changes will be, you can only react to them when they’re presented to you. And that’s really okay. I can’t be mad at someone for changing. I really can’t be mad about what happened either. I mean it’s life.
So, because of this breakup, I’ve realized a lot. I actually feel bad because I’m not really grieving. I have skipped the whole “feeling sorry for myself watching sad movies and eating ice cream and complaining about him to my friends” phase. I am so glad, because that is the worst phase there is. I have 100% accepted that it is over. And now that it is, I can focus on what makes me the happiest. I don’t really know what that’ll be yet, because thus far I have only known having a boyfriend in college. But you bet I’m excited to learn. I can finally focus on me. Just me. And if that makes me a selfish jerk, so be it. But after dedicating myself whole heartedly to someone else for two years, I think I deserve it. I can go downtown with my girls without feeling guilty. I can focus on exams instead of the next time I’ll see him. I will save ridiculous amounts on gas since I won’t be driving 300 miles every other weekend.
By me saying this, I am in no way saying that I ever had a problem with doing any of that. I was always more than happy to take on the long drive to Boone, and didn’t mind a cram sesh here and there if it meant I would get to see him for just a few more hours. I consider myself a damn good girlfriend, and this breakup (surprisingly) showed me that. You don’t really realize what you’re doing at the time, but when I look back on all the things I did for him, I’m really surprised with myself in a good way. I’m not saying he didn’t reciprocate, but this blog post is about me.
I elected not to mail him the letter for a multitude of reasons, but mostly, because I wrote those words when the wounds were fresh. Now that it has all sunk in, my feelings toward the situation have done a 180. Him reading those words would be pointless, because they hold no meaning anymore. I’m not mad. I’m not sad. I don’t hate him for doing this to me. In fact, I respect him for it.
It’s still a big adjustment. But because of the enormous amount of kind words I received from friends, coworkers, and acquaintances alike, I realized the most important thing: I will be okay. I will be better than okay. I was a great person before Nathan, and I am confident I will be a great person now that he’s gone. Though I do not know what the rest of this year will bring, I am immensely excited to find out. Stay tuned readers, theres a new Blonde Girl in creation.