Today is my “would-be” two year anniversary. I celebrated it by buying myself a gift and having a guilt free milkshake after work.
That doesn’t mean the actual meaning behind this day didn’t cross my mind at least once.
I knew this day would come, and I didn’t know what kind of feelings it would bring. I didn’t know if I should expect to sit in bed and cry, or to drive in my car and smile. I didn’t know if I would feel alone, or if I would feel complete.
But, I don’t really know what I feel. And I don’t like that. Even though it’s just a stupid day, it was a day that held a lot of meaning for a good chunk of my life. So in a weird way, I wish I felt something. I don’t feel alone, because I’m surrounded by so many wonderful people every day of my life. I don’t feel complete, because a piece of me is still being rebuilt. I don’t want to cry, because this isn’t worth tears. I don’t want to smile, because I’m not 100% happy. Maybe what I’m feeling is nothing. Maybe I’m not supposed to feel something. Maybe this is a good thing.
It’s kind of weird to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been single for two months now. What do I have to show for it? Some dates, some 5 Points hot mess-fests, some nights brought in with tears and mornings brought in with hangovers. Some days filled with laugter and surrounded by friends, and lonely hours where I was left to be with my thoughts (dangerous). It’s not consistent yet. I’m not consistently over what happened. Because some days I feel nothing and am like “Good riddance ya dunce”, which is good kind of. But other days I’m like “no wait why stahp come back” which is bad kind of. But it’s all normal, right? People feel this way? I’m not crazy?
As much as I give advice to countless friends and strangers about relationships, I’ll be honest. I am nowhere near a professional here. My only advice and skills are because of all the friend’s relationships I’ve seen rise and fall, because I’ve only had two real boyfriends in my life. Read: LAMEO. But, I must be doing something right because people seem to continuously flock to me like I have all the answers. And maybe I do, just not for myself. Not right now anyway. Which is frustrating beyond belief because well….hello…. I would like to get past all these stupid feelings.
I don’t know how he felt today. I won’t know how he felt today. Half of me hates that and half of me is okay with it. Half of me needs to cut it out because while mixed drinks may be okay, mixed feelings are not. It’s like a constant inner battle that I feel like no matter what happens, I am losing. Maybe I’m over thinking and being too cautious. I dont want to hurt feelings with my words, but I also don’t want to dance around how I’m really feeling. And I’m sure most of the world is so sick of hearing about this but I have no apologies. I’m just trying to figure this all out and keeping it bottled up isn’t conducive to that. So….. here lie my feels. So, until such confusion and feelings leave my body, they’ll stay here, because there really isn’t another place for them. I won’t talk to my friends about it, because I don’t want to bore them with the details. I won’t talk to him about it, for countless reasons. I won’t talk to my parents about it, because I just don’t want to (sorry mom).
In the mean time, let’s just hope I can kind of get my life together. Parts of it at least, because this anniversary was just a sad reminder that I don’t have it together.