I finally did it. I sealed my fate with Nathan. Something I probably should have done months ago, but wasn’t ready to do until today.
“I’m not a convenience. I’m a girl with feelings. And he keeps hurting them.”
“Yeah, and you keep letting him. Which is the biggest problem here.”
“Exactly. He just needs to be a part of my life or not. No fair weather bullshit.”
“I really think the answer is for him to not be. When _____ and I broke up, we couldn’t be friends. And I think the thing is, we never could be, and still can’t be. We really care about one another, and want one another to be happy. But every time someone else broke us, we ran to one another. How is that fair?”
“Ex lovers just can’t be friends. Not passionate ones anyways.”
“I think he has this great vision of us being able to be friends and shoot the shit and whatever but we can’t and that really is just because I don’t want that. I can’t go from having him be what I thought was “the one” to my freaking buddy. I can’t do that. I won’t do that.”
“Plus, imagine how that would go when you get significant others. You won’t be able to be friends. Your significant other won’t want you to be. _____ trusts me 100%, but I don’t think ex lovers should be trusted? I don’t want him being friends with his ex. Yeah, it’s over, but he loved her. And yeah, he loves me now, but he did love her. So F that. Like oh so casual, I imaged my future with that guy, how my kids would look with his eyes, how my couch would look with him napping on it. But, we are just friends. No. It doesn’t work that way.”
“It doesn’t, which is why it is so weird to me. I can’t get past what we were, because that is literally all we were. We didn’t have a long running frienship before we dated. We literally started talking, and that was it. We knew what we were getting into. Like do you just forget that? I don’t.”
“No, you don’t. I loved _____ and I can see I am his friend? But I can’t say our friendship should have been or should be trusted. Does that make sense?”
“Like we are friends as in don’t ever reach out to me unless you really need it. I went on vacation with him and ______ and ended up crying to ______ about him. That shouldn’t have been something that happened. Exes just can’t be friends. No matter how much you want them to be.”
“You’re right, like I know I don’t want to be his friend.”
“It really sucks.”
“Like I want to be his or nothing.”
“But it’s life. Better as a memory.”
“I don’t even know if I could say that. I’m still really mad and hurt and uspet by all he put me through and who he continues to turn me into today. I want to forget that part of me.”
“You won’t, so just forget that thought. But stop letting him ruin your days. Say all the mean things you have to say, and focus on moving forward.”
“I just want to know why it was so easy for him.”
“It might not be. Guys are weird. Theyre wired differently.”
“This whole thing is annoying he’s annoying life is annoying.
“Yeah, it is. But the sooner you stop pushing for it not to be over with him, the sooner it will be over. And if he lets that happen, then it absolutely should be over. And to be honest, you should stop trying to convince yourself that it should be or that he may ever change because honestly, it was not healthy. He didn’t appreciate what you guys had almost the entire time you two were together. Cheating once is one thing, but numerous is another. You’re chasing nothing. Nathan isn’t even the person you love. You love who you thought he was, who you wanted him to be. You love surprises, and letters, and dates, and talking about the future. Would you really want to drag on that immaturity to your future? Do you want a man like that by your side forever?”
“Well, it’s who he was, or pretended to be, for a while.”
“You guy’s aren’t that young anymore, and Nathan stil can’t fucking grow up. That’s not attractice. And I can’t see you being with someone like that. Like you went up there the other weekend and were careless. Is that who you want to be? Is that who you want to be with? Someone like that?”
“No, I don’t. But it’s just hard because for so long, I thought I knew what he was, I thought it was what you just said. The surprises and dates and the future. It’s just a tough pill to swallow to realize it isn’t.”
“Exactly. And no offense, but you bring yourself down for him.”
“I can’t say you’re wrong.”
“I don’t want to be right. And I understand love, and it being totally out of our hands, who we love. And I understand people changing, and all that good stuff, but at this point, is it hard to see the positive? You don’t want, or need something, that drives so many emotions through you. You need someone to create a stable life with. But before any of that, you need to create a stable and better you. You need to be secure, and motivated. You don’t need to go out and post things on social networks to impress him or make him jealous. You need to do all that because you are happy. And you aren’t right now. You aren’t even your main focus right now, because Nathan has been. You dropped everything, and your morals, just to see if he loved you. If he even cared.”
“And he doesn’t, so let’s just chalk that up as time wasted. The first time I made this mistake it wasn’t a waste, but now its round two. That’s a waste.”
“Noooooo, not at all. It took that for you to kind of realize you needed to stop putting effort into it. You shouldn’t be faulted for having a heart and caring and wanting to see the best in people. If he wants to fix it, he can, he should. Stop walking away and thinking youll regret it, and then turning around. You didn’t do this. You did everything right, so stop punishing yourself for this. You loved him, you drove miles for him, you did things with his mother, you didn’t give up, you forgave him. You fought with and for him more times than you should have. So stop thinking you could have done more. There is nothing wrong with you. And you are not unlovable or impossible to settle down with. So relax. Just know you didn’t break it to begin with. So stop picking up the pieces.”
Anyway, I ended it. I finally decided it was time to look out for number one; me.
After talking to several friends, my spirits were lifted immensely. I thoguht because this time, the end was on my terms, that it would be easier. Boooooooy was I wrong. I still cried, and second guessed myself, and felt a whole mess of feelings.
But speaking to another friend made me realize so much. I shouldn’t be punished for being selfless. She reitterated that it wasn’t that I was unlovable, we just weren’t on the same page. At all. Totally different novel even. And like… that’s okay. She knows us both, probably more than she’d like to sometimes. But god bless her for listening to this. Anyway, not on the same page. She mentioned how Nathan thinks maturely, but doesn’t execute things as such. And she’s right. He’s a smart guy, he knows how to make the right/adult choices. But he doesn’t always. I don’t always either, but I think it’s evident I’m more so on that page. I am ready for somethin’ real. I crave that kind of long term love, and whenever I find it, I’ll welcome it with arms wide open. But she said “One day he will realize what he missed out on. And you’re smart enough to realize when things are just too late.” I mean we talked for about fourty-five minutes, so lots was said. But I just felt so much better afterwards.
I’ll always love Nathan, rather, I’ll always have love for him. No matter all the ridiculous stuff that went on between us, I will always have a soft spot for that boy, formerly known as Merp. Love changes, it’s life. I no longer love him as my other half, my equal, my end of the line, my forever. I have love for him though. I don’t wish ill will upon him, in fact I want the best for him. I’m not sure what kind of “love” that is, but it’s something.
It doesn’t all make sense to me right now and thats okay, but it will someday, and I take solace knowing that.