Obviously I’ve been super slack in the new year as far as blogging goes. Honestly, it’s been the last thing on my mind lately. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a little voice in the back like “C’mon Abs, hop to it!” but I just was like ehhhhhh nah I’ll do it later. So, technically, it is later. So let’s do this thing.
Similarly to my last binge post, I’ve had a list forming in my phone of stuff to write about. It’s getting a little too long for my liking. Okay. Here we go.
Let’s start with excuses. They only work until you turn into the boy who cried wolf. I’ll leave it at that.
Apparently at some point of my list formation I wrote this:
“Every day I’ll have something new to say to him. How much I hate him or miss him or that I regret acting a certain way, or telling him what he did wrong or how I disagree or reminisce and none of it would do any good because he is just as stubborn as I, if not more, and it has far surpassed a lost cause”
What a sap. I’m blessing my own heart for that one. But, that little quote brought me back to this conversation I had with Lindsey a while back. (I creepily screenshot it because I knew I’d want to use it in a blog post eventually…oooops).
“I seriously need to cut the shit with Nathan oh my good lord”
“I texted him to apologize, just because I was so out of line a few days ago. I forget what we were even talking about but of course my passive aggression got the best of me and I said something along the lines of “Go be happy go have fun with Ella, lord knows you don’t deserve it.” Basically it was super rude and uncalled for. So I apologized but like… I told him not to respond. So what does he do? Freaking respond.”
“Oh lord Abby…Well what did he respond with? Well wait actually.. no. The thing is. You don’t want to be his friend. So don’t talk to him. I mean even I’m still waiting for him to change his mind, so I can’t imagine being in your shoes”
“Which is exactly why I asked him not to reply like I just wanted to apologize and leave it at that. Not everything needs to be discussed anymore, I just want to cut ties cleanly. And even if he would change his mind, it wouldnt matter, because I truly wouldn’t want him to. Please, I don’t need that kind of baggage in my life now or ever.”
“Honestly.. I don’t know how he feels. Like does he want this over forever and ever amen or was it just bad timing?”
“I think if he wanted anything he would have changed his mind by now honestly. I mean the timing was completely wrong. The whole thing was wrong. Even if I had met him 2-3 years after I did, it wouldn’t have changed the kind of person he really was. Provided then I wouldn’t have been burdened by his infidelities or DUI or other unsavory habits. It’s just more hard to cope with becase I thought I met the right person but I was seriously mistaken, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. Like wow is my perception that off?”
“You probably would have met someone else, and he certainly wouldnt have had that kind of past, at least i hope not. Cause well, why bother? I just think that timing being wrong is an awful excuse on his part, like after all he did would the honesty have been that difficult? I mean I wanted to kiss a lot more people, and flirt more, and just not give a damn, but none of that would have been worth giving up Adam. It’s not that the timing was wrong, it’s just that he was not right. At all. I would rather lose out on all that now, than him later. It’s easier said than done, but self control goes a long way. However Abby, you truly do deserve better than Nathan. In every sense. So maybe he thinks the timing was wrong, but you should not believe that. Because timing is never right.”
“I mean I know that for sure. I’m not trying to be cocky or anything but, I completely do. I don’t deserve the baggage he comes with. So it’s kinda stupid that something so irrelevant now has any sort of hold on me.”
“It’s not even about baggage, becase getting through someone’s baggage can make you love them more, and them love you more. It’s about how they treat you, how you guys get through all of that together. I don’t care if Nathan had a drug oopsie, everyone makes mistakes. People drive drunk all the time and don’t get caught. He isn’t much different than the rest of the world in that sense. But, when he felt the relationship falling apart, he didn’t communicate that. He’s not a bad person, but he is a bad lover. It’s the fact that he didn’t respect you enough to tel you the truth after he cheated, or before he cheated, or it not being a mistake. If it happened once, and he realized what he had, and never did it again, that would be one thing. But for it to happen more than once? That’s another. So stop apologizing to him for being angry and mean. But also, don’t hold against his errors (minus the cheating) against him. That only makes it harder for him, and he made those choices.”
“I guess I’m only trying to even the score. Which is super petty and a dumb excuse.”
“Abby, what he did and went through is punishment enough, and a very hard rut to get out of.”
“I guess I’m just trying to push him in the right direction still, or what I think it is.”
“So you need to tell him that. He may have hurt you more than anyone before, and you won’t get over that right away, but you’ll always want what’s best for him. Love is a dangerous thing. You opened yourself up to him entirely, and he let you down. And you don’t get why, and chances are you never will, and you will always think about him. You just have to stop trying so hard to hate him”
So, I don’t hate him. I don’t really hate anyone right now. Harboring any and all hate was just emotionally exhausting, and that energy could have been spent a million better ways. Honestly, in the past few months I’ve had pleeeeenty of time to reflect over and over again and finally figure out how the hell to conduct myself and what I want to do and how I want to feel. And I don’t want to feel the way he made me feel ever again. So, I’m not going to. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself, or angry over something I couldn’t control, or spiteful GOD I hated how spiteful this all made me. So, I choose to not be any of those things anymore. Cutting those ties was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I really enjoyed caring for another person for two years, but at this point I deserve to be a little selfish and look out for number one. I realize this happened literally ages ago but again, this little note in my phone started back in december so let’s just call this one final and move along.
After the break up, every one told me that I would meet someone new; someone who will show me that I deserve so much more, and that it’ll make sense that things didnt work out with Nathan. I’m super glad to say I’ve met that person.
Throughout the past eight months (good lord does time fly by) I have shown myself what I’m capable of. I’m gonna get all corny and mushy real quick, but it’s true. And if I needed to hear some of these things to realize them, I’m sure there are plenty of people in the same kinda boat. Despite how lost I felt at first, I proved to be stronger than I ever thought I could be. Like, to overcome something that once seemed so daunting, and come out with an incredible new mindset, is pretty amazing. I’ve always been the eternal optimist…. for everyone else. I was everyone elses biggest cheerleader, but who was mine? Doesn’t matter anymore, that’s me. And of course my family and friends and stuff, but it was time for me to be my own biggest fan. There’s some corny saying like “How can anyone love you unless you love yourself first” or something to that effect. I’m not saying I was unlovable before, because I mean let’s face it I’m not THAT awful, but confidence is a powerful tool. I’ve learned that a lot lately. I walk tall (which is hard because I’m five foot two on a good day) with a smile and an air of confidence. Not a turned up nose, or not a serious case of RBF, a smile. A geniune one. And my dad didn’t even have to pay me $5 this time.*
*This actually happened. A family vacation in Las Vegas when I was 10. My dad told me that my smile looked fake and for whatever reason I couldn’t make a real looking smile (to his standard). Eventually, he was like “I’ll give you $5 to smile” so i grinned real big when i heard ‘dollars’ and BOOM a photo was snapped in front of the Venetian water show.
A few weeks ago at the bank, my manager and I had a heart to hear about how hard it is to get over someone. She thought she met the love of her life in college, and when he broke her heart, she never thought that she would never find that again. He always had some kind of a hold on her. She met her husband a few years later, meanwhile the other man still had some sort of spot on her mind. But, she fought that. She had to choose (DUH), and let’s just say it wasn’t the heartbreaker. The funny part is, when she met her now-husband, she hated him. He bothered her to the core, and used to laugh at the idea of them being together. Welp….. look where that wound up. So maybe you will hate the next one at first, but then again, maybe you’ll marry them. Just goes to show you welcome surprises, keep an open mind, all that good stuff.
And now, it’s the end of March, and I have some great news. I, Abigail Desjardins, am finally completely happy. On my own. There’s no catch. No reason for my happiness other than just being where I am today. Everything else is just a bonus. I’m not really sure how it happened, but I just know I woke up one day and was just excited about life. I was happy for no reason. My coworkers were even a little thrown off by it. I mean, I’m incredibly blessed. It’s about time I start being excited and thankful for it. Now if y’all will excuse me, I have an apartment-warming gift to craft!
Cheers and a big ole smile,