I realized I was off to a bad start when I forgot to say “rabbit rabbit” when I woke up this morning. Rather than the first words out of my mouth being a superstitious thing taught to me by a high school english teacher in hopes of ensuring a good month ahead, I said “oh shit”.
I guess it really is true that you don’t realize you need to change things until you hit rock bottom. Now I’m not a drug addict or anything, but I really just need to get my act together. The funny thing is, is that I actually have the majority of my life together. I have a good head on my shoulders, a job offer for when I graduate in six weeks, I have a clean criminal record, like everything should be totally fine.
Stress causes people to do some crazy stuff let me tell ya. The overwhelming feelings that have consumed me during this final semester of college are unreal. Most of it is actually just me putting more pressure on myself. Nothing is more annoying than people telling me that they just want me to do what will make me happy. That’s easier said than done, because most of the time I’m not happy until everyone else is. Of course there are times that I have no problem focusing on what would be best for me, but I just like to put others before myself. It’s been a blessing and a curse, and right now it is so detrimental to my emotional well-being. Trying to schedule job interviews (which would give me a better future) around my current classes (which will allow me to graduate in december) as well as my current job obligations (which allow my bills to be paid now) is absolute insanity. But, I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I wanted my professors to marvel at my business plans, my employer to be wowed by my sales numbers, and prospective employers to praise all that was on my resume. It’s just not possible. It’s not. To distract myself from being so stressed, I found outlets. I would take naps and avoid all my responsibilities. I would line up 3 dates in a night to keep myself out of the house. I would go out to the bars promising that I wouldn’t be staying out late because I had stuff to do, but last call came and I realized I fudged on my “promise”.
So many people tell you, going into college, that you will graduate and the world will be your oyster. They’re all liars. Maybe 20 or so years ago when the economy was decent, it was possible to have that dream job seconds after being handed your diploma. Now, it’s not only competitive, but the market is significantly smaller. I know so many people who went to class-A universities, and struggled for almost a YEAR to find a job. Admissions counselors don’t tell you that. They make it seem that the very expensive piece of paper you earn in those four years will guarantee you exactly what you want. Seriously, not likely. I have probably applied to over 100 positions, gotten offers, gotten rejections, and I’m still nervous for what the future holds. It has been absolutely back breaking work to get there, but it can be done. However, don’t ride your piece of paper for more than it’s worth. People try to tell me now that there’s nothing wrong with staying at the bank for amother half a year or more, and take that time to focus more on jobs. I know that I would have that option, but it is not something that I’m okay with. Not only can I not survive on a teller’s salary when I’ll be financially independent, but I have goals that far exceed what I would be doing as a teller. I know if I don’t get out and get what I want now, I’ll get sucked in. So I’m not going to let myself. I felt a lot of pressure from the people around me, and they’d all say they knew how stressful it must be to have all these people in my ear telling me what I should do. Well… yeah, and you all are one of them. It’s so hard because I know how much they want to help me, and support me, but you can’t tell someone that they aren’t doing any of that when it is so clear that they are doing all they can.
Aside from the job hunt, it is also exhausting planning for a big change like that. Having to relocate, find an apartment in a good neighborhood with the massive closets that I so badly need, finding someone to sublease my apartment that would fit well with my current roommate…. the list goes on and on. It’s like going to college all over again, except instead of asking about the parties that happen in the area, I’m asking about crime rates. Instead of asking an employer if they’re open new years day, I’m asking if they match 401K’s. It’s weird, having to slowly transition into semi-functioning adult. Like I don’t want to. I want to wear my shacker tees and norts to my hearts content, be okay wearing last night’s makeup to work, take naps between classes, and go out during the week. I also know that being an adult doesn’t mean I give up ANY of these things, in fact I know that I won’t. I know that I’m overreacting about the impending change, but maybe it’s because the change is so major. It’s not like the time I decided to cut ten inches off my hair, or the time that I decided to study abroad. This is a big life change, and I just hope I’m ready for it.
Another way of dealing with stress has been with guys. No sickos, not like that. To all the guys (yes Nathan, I mean you) (you too Kev) who I let in, and then screwed me over, I have two letters for you. I’ll let Miley Cyrus sing the rest. My friend Shane put it to me the best way; “addicts act to escape reality and fear”. I am the way I am with guys because the fear of not being good enough (shoutout to all you shit heads that screwed me over). Every time I let a guy in, I end up being left alone, and really hurt. It’s a pretty tough pill to swallow honestly. Guys that I’d done everything for. I mean seriously the girl who helps you through a DUI charge? A gem. The girl who apologizes with whiskey? Rare and great. Why do I go above and beyond for people who have the power to completely knock me down? I know they will, it’s happened before. So I guess to avoid that kind of hurt, I don’t let guys in. They have almost become disposible to me now, and I really hate that. I don’t want it to be that way, but I guess it’s just the way I protect myself. I know that if I let people in, I wind up hurt. Even though I also know that I get hurt, but in a different way, when I don’t. It’s hard to let the bad guys in, let alone the good ones. And I seem to have a knack for the bad ones, so my apologies to every decent guy I’ve come in contact with but have been too vulnerable (read: HURT) to even attempt leveling with you. I’ve actually noticed the vicious cycle. I dated Nathan, and he hurt me. I met Kevin, but was wrapped up in Nathan, so I ghosted on him. Nathan hurt me again, so I went back to Kevin. I literally don’t know what the hell I was doing with Kevin but I was for sure wrapped up in it, so much so that I met a great guy, Mike, during that time, and ghosted on him because I was more focused on seeing what the hell was going on with Kevin. Kevin ghosted on me, so I went back to Mike. And that’s where I’m at. Except repeat that cycle about a million times. Truthfully I don’t even know where I’m at in that cycle right now, and I really would prefer not to ever be in that cycle again. Guys in general are pretty exhausting. Maybe that’s being I’m picking the crappy ones or something, but who knows. They’re more stressful than my full time job AND my full time student workload combined. Like what? That’s obscene. So, I’m taking a step back. While the attention is nice (because I’ve never met a girl who didn’t like being told that she was beautiful), so is having my sanity, and dignity, and the ability to focus on what’s important. Because honestly, 99% of the guys that are relevant in my life won’t be once I move to Charlotte. They probably won’t even be relevant come Wednesday.
“Nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.”
I’m starting over.